Annoyed about a few things

...oh yeah, because the story never ends.

The truth is, even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm a pretty easy going person. Even when I get mad, at whatever reason, I just stay quiet and look at somewhere else to avoid any kind of fight or problem it may occur, and this is of course related to my inability to express myself out loud in a coherent sort of way. However, this time this whole issue of plans going just *totally* wrong, one after another, made me realize several things which I'm not sure I want to deal with in my current state of mind.

Oh yeah, I said state of mind.

The other day, while I was having a blast writing here how unfortunate I was, I forgot to mention that I almost had an emotional breakdown the last day I went to sign the final papers in my old school.

It wasn't even because of the bitches I used to work with. It just happened because when I was leaving and I saw the doorman of the school, a very nice old man and the only one who used to greet me with a smile in the morning. So this doorman wished me 'good holidays', so I hugged him I wished him 'good holidays' too, and a 'good year' and in that minute I just fell apart. I told him that I was not going to see him anymore, because...well I *had* to leave and he said (and showed me with his face) that he truly regretted that but that he was happy because he had been working with me 'a real lady' (his words nor mine) and that he wished me the best luck. It still bring tears to my eyes, I have them right now.

What shocked me the most is that I could stand the bitches, losing my kids, quitting my position as a head teacher plus all the humiliations, but a hug just killed me and that upsets me.

The thing is I've been thinking the reason behind everything seems to be going wrong lately is because my star is telling me to look for a job *now* because I might not have the chance in February (I'm just speculating), and if it's that so I'm screwed. Why? Because I cant deal with people right now, I can't deal with more rejection and strange faces, and fake smiles and cold handshakes, I should say my brain is shutting down for real this time. As an example: I just talked to my boyfriend a couple hours ago and he began talking about poetry, and I swear to God I was about to faint, not because the topic is boring mind you, but because for some reason I reached the point where I cannot accept more information in my head, he seemed pretty happy though, and of course he has reasons to be. He's been having a great time by going to new places, meeting new people and taking pictures, while I'm here stuck in my house, going to the cinema and to the library whenever I can to scape from reality. This just sucks...and is making me bitter and resentful and a total bitch and I hate myself a thousand times because of that.

When I saw Jose the other day I realized how much I was starving for some human contact, other than my family of course, and that for some weird reason every time I try to do plans to go out with one of my friends, there's another friend who says they wanna see me too that same day, so I go and cancel the first date, but then the second one makes a mistake on the dates and goes and cancel their date too, and I go back to zero and I'm so babbling right now, I just wanna shoot myself.

One thing which has just made me smile, Pablo my friend from my Japanese classes added me to his facebook...ahhh I missed him so much. I'll never forget when he helped me making the graphics for my thesis and then he actually *CALLED ME* to know how the presentation had gone.

...

Maybe this time I'll have another friend to go to the movies with...

I wanna go back to the sunny me so badly, I even worried my boyfriend over nothing, he said something like he was glad of having this conversation about poetry with me, and I said I didn't and he kinda freaked out. Next time I have the idiotic idea of telling him something please, shoot me, no seriously...shoot_me, or hit me, or bring the whole Al Qaeda gang.

I need some peace of mind here.